Harry And His Best Friend
by Kristie Goldberg
Summary: Harry has a problem, a BIG problem. Who can help? I'm rating this a T; however, I personally think it's more a K Hope you like it.


Harry And His Best Friend

"Get it off me, Doc! Get it off me!" Harry was screaming at the top of his lungs.

"I'm doing the best I can, Mr. Kim. Now just calm down and hold still. It is hard to work with a moving target. Relax!"

"RELAX! You say, RELAX! How can I RELAX with this thing nearly protruding in my face! I will be the whole laughing stock of the ship! Oh, my god! Where's Megan? MEGAN!"

"Will you keep it down? Ms. Delany is not here! I sent her back to her quarters. Her hysterical laughing was disturbing my concentration." He reached over to the tray and picked up a scalpel. Harry's eyes widened!

"No! No, Doc! It might be small, but it is all I have! What if you miss?"

"Mr. Kim, I am your doctor. May I point out, that I am perhaps the only one on the ship that can help you! Would you like for me to call the Captain down here?"

"No! No! Not the Captain! You can't do that! No way! Anyone but the Captain! It would be like my mom seeing me! No! Definitely not her!"

He had barely finished the sentence when in walked Tom, the second to the last person Harry wanted to see.

"Hey Harry! What's up?" Tom's eyes widened in surprise as he walked toward the biobed. "Wow! Impressive, Harry, impressive! Got a date with an elephant?"

"Quit, Tom, just quit! I have a problem here. If you can't help, get lost."

"Did it come in that size, and where did you get it?"

"No it came in a little package. It grew."

"I'll say it did. It grew and grew and grew. So take it off!"

"I can't. The lower part is molded around my…uhm ."

"And, where did you get it?"

"Remember that planet that we stopped by a couple of years ago that had that huge street bazaar? The one where you bought all those gag gifts you were giving everybody."

"Oh, yeah. I got them in that sex shop. Is that where you got this? Wait a minute! You had that all this time, and you're just now using it?"

"Well, the occasion never arose. Oops! Bad choice of words there!"

"So, Doc, how are you going to get this thing off Harry here?"

"Well, Mr. Paris, to be honest I am not certain. He may just have to live with it."

"I can't just 'live with it', Doc. How am I going to wear a uniform? How am I ever going to be normal?"

"Harry, Harry, Harry! You have never been normal! Why start now? So, what is this thing called?" Tom grabbed hold of it and was swinging it back and forth.

"Careful, will you? My manhood is under there somewhere! It is called a Best Friend."

While Tom and Harry continued to talk, the doctor went into his office. He began doing some more research on the computer. Finally out of desperation, he contacted the Captain. She was in the mess hall with Chakotay. The mess hall was filled with laughter. Seems every one had heard about Harry's problem. Kathryn and Chakotay were just leaving the mess hall when she heard:

"Sickbay to Captain Janeway"

"Janeway here."

"From the sound of laughter in the background, I gather you are aware of Ensign Kim's problem."

"Yes, I understand he has a really big problem! Have you been able to remove it?

"Unfortunately not, Captain. It appears to be molded to him. I cut off a piece from the end, and it immediately grew back. The bottom is tight around him."

Kathryn and Chakotay had entered the turbo lift on their way to the ready room. "What you need to find is something that will dissolve it without dissolving Mr. Kim. How did it get that large to begin with?

"According to Mr. Kim, the person who sold it to him, told him to soak it for five minutes before using it in a solution of vermeil and aliet. Mr. Kim did not bother buying any of that. Last night, when Mr. Kim and Ms Delany were enjoying each others company, Mr. Kim soaked it in a mixture of wine and milk. While they were in bed, he put it on and it immediately began growing and growing and growing. Thankfully it grew before he was inside her. That could have been disastrous. Ms Delany had the presence of mind to have them beamed here to sickbay before she became so hysterical with laughter. Apparently the combination of wine and milk affected it the wrong way."

"Keep cutting pieces off and try dissolving them in anything you can. Something has to work. In the mean time, I will try to come up with something as well. Janeway out" She frowned at Chakotay who was nearly doubled over with laughter. Finally she could hold it in no longer and began laughing with him.

Poor Harry! But, his predicament had given the crew something lively to talk about. Kathryn and Chakotay entered the ready room and sat on the couch. They began reading reports. After about a half hour, Kathryn suddenly jumped up.

"That's it."

She ran to the desk and opened the drawer. Taking something out, she turned back to the couch.

"Chakotay, drop your pants!"

Chakotay looked up shocked.

"What?"

"Stand up and drop your pants!"

"Kathryn! Here! I mean shouldn't our first time be in bed? I imagined wine and flowers. A nice dinner, followed by dessert. Perhaps a little dancing. Then some kissing, finally I would take the big man out."

"The big man?"

"Sure, it's what I call him."

"Well, drop them, so that I can see the big man!"

Chakotay decided to do as she asked. Still, he didn't understand why she wanted to do this now when they could have the whole evening together in a nice big bed.

As he dropped his pants, she knelt before him. Taking his 'big man' in one hand, she dumped the contents of the bottle she was holding over it.

"What the heck is that? Are you trying to kill me?" He jumped back.

"Just checking." She was inspecting his 'big man' carefully. "Well, I can certainly see why you call him that! At half staff, he is bigger than anything I have ever seen! That was fingernail polish remover. It didn't hurt your 'big man', so I think it will work on Harry. Pull up your pants and lets go!"

"You mean we are not going to…"

"No! Pants up! Let's go!"

He gave her his best puppy dog look, but it didn't seem to phase her.

While he was pulling his pants up and adjusting himself, she went to the replicator and replicated some more nail polish remover. Together they left for sickbay.

Entering sickbay, they saw the doctor hovering over Harry.

"I think I have a cure!"

"Noooooo! You can't look, Captain. You can't look!" Harry was trying to hide himself from her.

"Enough Harry. Turn around and present it right here in my hand." As Harry turned slowly around, it was all Kathryn could do to keep from laughing. It was the biggest thing she had ever seen. Chakotay turned his back to them as his shoulders shook from laughter.

"Watch carefully, Doctor." Kathryn took Harry's 'Best Friend' and poured some of the nail polish remover on it. The spot where she poured it began to shrink. They watched in amazement. It did not grow back. Handing the bottle to the doctor, Kathryn went to the replicator and replicated more. Chakotay stood staring in amazement at the size of Harry's 'Best Friend' and at how fast it was shrinking.

After about ten minutes it was all gone. What was left was a mere bit of a thing, but it was real.

"Mr. Kim, you have the rest of the day off to recuperate. Report to the bridge tomorrow morning as usual."

"Thank you, Captain" Harry was beet red and had his hand over his privates. He was totally embarrassed, but Kathryn knew he would get over it.

"Mr. Kim, it isn't how much you have, but how well you use it. Remember that in the future." Kathryn turned and walked out of sickbay. Chakotay followed.

Entering the lift, Kathryn called for deck three. "Aren't we going back to the bridge for the rest of the shift?"

"Not today, Chakotay. We are going to my quarters for some scientific study."

"Scientific study?"

"Yes, I want to check out more closely that 'big man' of yours!"

He looked shocked! She grinned as she leaned forward and kissed him. Taking her in his arms he continued kissing her passionately as his 'big man' continued to grow.

The End


End file.
